Forget me
by Quintessence88
Summary: What if Dr. Black had let Dr. Bickman kiss her in the elevator? Set during 1x06
1. Chapter 1

**I do hope I'm not the only one completely obsessed with Black Box and totally in love with Dr. Black and Dr. Bickman, I think they'd make a great couple! Please give it a shot and let me know what you think! **

**Enjoy and review!**

The elevator doors closed leaving Doctor Black and Doctor Bick alone.

Lately things had often been awkward or unpleasant between them, it hadn't been easy after their intercourse and she was determined to pretend he wasn't there sharing that little space with her, when he pushed the button and stopped the car.

"Wait. What are you doing?" she asked surprised

"I just needed a moment to talk"

"Well, you know where my office is"

"What happened a few weeks ago…"

"Bick" she interrupted him

"You know I'm just tired of pretending it didn't happen"

"It was meaningless sex"

That was her defense. She went off meds when it happened, she wasn't herself or maybe she was _too much herself_ to stop, to understand how wrong that was toward Will, but especially because they worked together.

"Really?"

He dropped the bomb. Ian Bickman wasn't only a brilliant neurosurgeon but also a known womanizer, overconfident in each aspect of his life and he wouldn't have taken a "no" for an answer. The amazing sex they had wasn't impossible to forget, she was so passionate, so wild and after that she just took the distance ending things with him before they even started. The usual Bickman wouldn't have minded, he didn't do relationships, it wasn't his style but she was… it was different with her, it wasn't so _meaningless_ like she said and their attraction kept lingering between them, meeting her every day at work was an hell.

"See, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't forget how it felt like to be with you, and I don't think you've forgotten either" he said with his usual cockiness

"I've told you plenty of times I've a fiancé"

"You're engaged to a cook"

"His name is Will"

"I don't care"

Few steps and he was right in front of her invading her space, smelling her perfume.

"If you're serious about this man and you feel nothing for me, why do you want me to touch you again?"

His reputation preceded him, he was a sexual predator, she got it since the first time they shook hands, the way he did, the way he kept her hand in his just a second more, it didn't scare her at all.  
"I don't" she retorted

"You do"

They looked at each other for a moment, Ian admired her face, her clear green eyes, she was so beautiful and he couldn't stay away anymore. He brushed a red lock behind her ear and cut the distance kissing her, they closed their eyes savoring the moment. Her lips were so soft, so tempting, he pushed her against the car's wall, his hand everywhere on her roughly, fast, as if he was scared she could change her mind and reject him, he wouldn't be able to bear it. Catherine just shut her brain off, if she had thought of the consequences then… and she needed this, she needed _him_, she tried to fight it but ended up being the one who lost the battle. Her lab coat fell on the floor and he opened her brown silk blouse exposing her breasts, freeing them from the lace black bra she wore, she breathed hard.

"See? We both need this"

"Shut up"

"Oh but you love my mouth" he smirked before sucking a nipple

Cather bit her lip, her thighs grinning against his erection trying to release some tension: she didn't want foreplay, she wanted him to fuck her and as if he read her mind, he yanked her black skirt up and brushed her sex. Ian enjoyed the view of her, flushed and aroused in her black lace garter that matched her panties, her eyes shone with lust, her pupils dilated, her heart pounding so strong he could hear it, she left him breathless and he kissed hungry claiming her mouth, her body, all of her. His fingers pushed her panties aside dipping in the wet heat of her, Catherine moaned gripping his strong arms… _God, those magic hands!_ She almost forgot how good it felt like being with him, having him inside her and needed him to remind her soon but he kept teasing her, playing with her pleasure until she couldn't stand it anymore.

Catherine gripped his hair breaking the kiss "Quit the foreplay Bick and fuck me"

"Your wish is my command" he smirked

She was about to turn around and let him take her from behind but he stopped her

"I want to see you coming" his low and raspy voice sending chills down her spine

"As you want"

She quickly unbuckled his belt and freed his erection pumping it slowly, licking her lips to provoke him, he took her wrist pinning them above her head.

"You'll drive me crazy"

He took her in his arms filling her, they both moaned at the abrupt contact. She felt every inch of him opening her and it was both good and painful, it was amazing.

"Are you okay?" he breathed once he was fully in

"Give me a minute"

Their foreheads touched for a moment and she simply nodded giving him a silent permission. He started thrusting inside her and their bodies came alive nourishing of each other's pleasure, she kissed and nipped his jaw, his neck and sucked his earlobe urging him to go faster. Catherine felt him surrounding her in every way, inside and out, pressing her hard against the wall, possessing her with his body, he craved her as if she was his last breath and that was hot and terrifying. Their moans filled the space and their tempo increased, both of them seeking for release, their tongues was fighting for supremacy and few thrusts after she started trembling in his arms.

"Look at me Catherine" he hissed

She obeyed opening his eyes, her mouth parted and in that moment, just watching how aroused he was, how she made him feel, feeling him hard and thick inside her, she started climaxing, her core tightened milking his pleasure until the last drop. He couldn't take his eyes off her looking at her features changing for the orgasm he was giving her and that was the best reward, seeing her like that, harmless and fucking sexy, they barely finished and he wanted her again.

The exact moment she felt him coming inside her, Catherine realized what they did and guilt overwhelmed her, she felt bad for Will, for their relationship, what was wrong with her? She couldn't blame her disorder now, she was taking the meds, she knew what it'd have happened when she let Bickman kiss her and what was worse… _she wanted it_. There was something about the man, a connection, a special chemistry, something that drew her to him, but she couldn't indulge in it, not anymore, she was engaged. He pulled out putting her down carefully and they fixed their clothes in silence.

"It was a mistake" she whispered

"You don't believe it" he said pushing her chin up to meet her eyes

"I do Bick, I love Will"

"I…"

Was he really about to say _those words_? She took advantage of his distraction and pushed the elevator's button

"It won't happen again. Forget me"

The door slid open and she run away before Ian could stop her. He watched her walk away feeling crushed by those feelings for her he couldn't understand, he passed a hand on his face and exhaled. Once he told her that he never gave up, it was his best quality and unfortunately Catherine Black wasn't a woman who could be easily forgotten.

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

**OMG thank you so much for all the reviews! I honestly thought no one cared about this ff, but I kept writing it for myself so here it is chapter 2… please read and review, I want to hear all your opinions! **

"I can't stay away, neither can you…"

Ian was hugging Catherine from behind, an arm circling her waist and the other hand gripping her breast in a possessive way, his nose nuzzling her neck, breathing her.

"We can't Ian, we can't" she panted, her eyes closed

"It's not true, what we have is stronger than any bond you think you have with _Mr. Cook_"

"You don't know that"

"I do, you wouldn't be here otherwise"

He turned her around to look in the eyes, she seemed anguished, torn between the right thing to do and her instinct. Bickman didn't know but he was the only one who made her feel like herself, her _true self_, the wild and untamed creature she was when she went off meds, he freed that part of her simply touching her and that scared her to death. She loved Will but _needed_ Ian, she couldn't explain it but she did need him. Would he still want her if he knew she was bipolar? Not that she wanted to tell him, she remembered very well what happened when she told Johnny, the father of her baby, of Esme… he simply run away and she was only sixteen.

Ian was looking at her, his look full of something she couldn't quite understand, what was it? Desperation? Possession? Lust? _Love_?

"I need you Catherine…" he whispered in her ear

Every time he talked to her that way, expressing a primal and raw need, a subtle order, she felt her insides twisting and her core getting wet, his hot breath was provoking chills all over her body and she couldn't think straight dominated by lust.

"You're suffocating me, Bick!"

She tried to put some space between them, she needed to regain control or he'd have easily won, knowing her weak spots. The fact that they were in the same room where they had sex the first time it didn't help, she kept reliving flashbacks of that day, the roughness of their movements, how he undressed her, how he kissed her passionately and fucked on that table… _Christ!_

"You want it too, Catherine. I can read it in your eyes, just stop pretending, let it go"

"It's wrong!"

"If it's so wrong, why are you here?"

She didn't say a word.

"I'll have you the way you want…" and he was almost begging now "I don't care"

"You think that not being inside of me makes it less cheating?" she took all her remaining strength to say that feeling drained after, her legs were shaking and if he touched her now, she'd have surrendered.

"Don't make me beg" he caressed her lips with his thumb

There he was, the picture of a tormented man, crazy about her, a man falling on his knees watching her with such a powerful desire while yanking the skirt of her blue sheath dress up. When he put his face inside her legs nuzzling her core, she thought she'd combust.

"You're aroused" he said nipping at the inner thighs' flesh "And I love your smell"

Ian hooked his fingers in her panties and tore them apart, she was about to yell at him when he licked her sex again and again taking her breath away: Catherine threw her head back moaning, he had magic hands but his mouth worked magic too. She gripped his short hair pushing her hips against his greedy tongue, silently asking him for more and he inserted two fingers in her.

"Oh God, Ian!"

"Does **he** make you feel this way?" he asked sucking her clitoris hard

"Don't!"

"Answer me" he stopped, only breathing on her sex

"Bick!" she hissed

"Not until you answer me" he licked his lips provoking her

She shook her hand angrily "No problem, I'll finish myself off"

Catherine slid her hand down her stomach cheekily but before she reached the final destination he stopped her "I don't think so"

"Let me go or fuck me!"

He tightened his grip on her and drew her close kissing her roughly, making her taste herself on his tongue. The kiss was hard, angry and raw like the passion they shared, it was damn sexy and she hated him and craved him, she wanted to tear his clothes apart and fuck him on the floor, on every surface of the room.

Ian's hand reached her core and started fingering her again, she bit his lip at the sudden intrusion, his three fingers stretching her almost painfully but she liked it, she liked the way he took her, like he couldn't get enough, never, like he could stop the world from spinning just to be inside her.

As soon as he sensed her reaching the peak, he kneeled down again and latched his mouth around her clitoris pumping his fingers fast and hard, Catherine felt her body shattering in a million of pieces, enjoying her high because _that man_… oh that man gave her the best orgasms of her life.

When her heartbeat slow down she opened her eyes, his cocky smile greeting her before he sucked his fingers clean from her juice… it was one of the most erotic things she had ever seen and not only for the gesture, but for his expression, the way he was doing it, all of him was screaming _primal, mind-blowing sex_.

He reached her and claimed her mouth again wanting her to taste her pleasure, the pleasure _he_ gave her, because he did know, even if she didn't admit, that _Mr. Cook_ didn't make her climax like that.

She swallowed hard still disoriented because of her toe-curling orgasm: if he could make her feel like that taking her in the most uncomfortable places and having short time, she couldn't imagine what he was capable of doing in a bed with a whole night at his disposal… the hair on her nape raised.

"Say it" he whispered

"What?" she asked fixing her dress

"You know what"

"I won't"

"The truth scares you?"

"What truth? Yours?"

"One day I'll make you say it" he replied overconfident

He collected her torn panties from the floor and smelled them satisfied before putting them on his pocket.

"These are mine now"

"You're a fiend"

He laughed.  
"Do you keep a souvenir of each of your conquests?"

"You're the only one I want"

"But not the only one you fuck"

"You're the only one, period"

"I don't believe you"

"Do you want me to prove it?" he challenged her

"I don't need it, I'm not jealous"

And yet she was dying of jealousy, picturing him fucking every walking skirt in New York City while she was in bed with Will at night. She had to stop!

"I don't believe you now"

"We're not a couple"

"So what? Jealousy is not rational"

"I told you I'm not jealous"

"I am" he confessed looking at her with his piercing eyes

She exhaled "You don't have any right to be"

He caged her against the meds closet, his fists at her head's sides, jealousy was eating him alive while those images passed through his mind.

"I don't care. The idea of _him_ touching you…" he winced angry "Being inside you… it drives me crazy!"

"You're just hurting yourself"

"I can't stop"

"I'm not yours" she whispered

"You could be"

"What do you want from me, Bick?" she freed herself

"You, all of you"

She snorted "You want me only because I'm unavailable, you don't know me at all"

"That's not true!"

"It is. It's just a game for you, you never had someone who didn't give herself to you completely"

"If it was just a fuck, don't you think we'd be over by now? I had what I wanted and yet I'm still here needing you like a fool"

What could she retort? He was right, he'd have jumped to the next one, another woman, a new body, a new high.

"You don't do relationships and I'm not the woman for you"

"Bullshit! Are using this against me?"

"I don't need it, it's who you are and we… we shouldn't just doing this"

"It's not what you really want"

"It doesn't matter"

She turned around to walk away but he blocked the door before she could open it. His body was pressed behind her, he was still hard and that spread heat in her belly, he was like a drug.

"Let me go, Ian"

"Promise me you'll come back to me"

"I can't. This has to stop, you and I…" she sighed "This is crazy!"

"Yeah maybe it is" he buried his face in her hair

"I've to go"

She opened the door and disappeared from his view leaving only her scent behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, thanks again for all your reviews! I'm so happy there's other people out there who love these amazing couple like me! So here it is chapter 3, at the beginning it shouldn't have been this but after last episode I thought I had to use the scene on the rooftop and give you my version. Enjoy & review! **

"Join me for a drink"

It wasn't a question, he didn't ask, he just wanted her to be with him and the way he was looking at her in the eyes he contradicted his previous words. He lied saying he didn't find her interesting, he just wanted to hurt her a bit, maybe because of the dinner with the in-laws or because she was still choosing the cook, he didn't know. He couldn't stop thinking about what they shared that morning, the moment they lived together in the surgery… it was impossible to describe and the truth was he could have never done that without her, she has been his eyes, his mind: compared to the case everything else was dull. Catherine could easily understand what he meant and yet it seemed so strangely poetic to her imagining a life without color if it wasn't for neurology, if they couldn't study and "fix" brains.

The air was extremely cold, they were freezing on that rooftop watching New York's lights from afar. His sentence was still hanging between them, she lowered her head pretending to focus on the city because she didn't know what to do. She had a very bad time that night, her mother-in-law pretended to turn her into everything she was scared to the death to become, she would have never been the _wifie_ who stayed at home making biscuits all day, she loved her job and wouldn't have started working part time, never!

She sighed again enjoying the silence Bick was respecting, it was beautiful to be able to be with someone and not have to fill it with stupid conversations or useless words. He would have never wanted to change her, to turn her into someone she wasn't, he knew what neurology meant to her, not just a job and that was both comforting and frightening at the same time because that was something burning for him under the surface and every time they were alone, every time he touched her, it was like throwing gasoline on fire.

…

Catherine Black found herself seated at the table of Hotel Mirabella's bar. It was like an amnesia, she didn't remember the moment she accepted his invitation or when they left the Cube to go there but she knew that was dangerous, being so close to him, in a hotel, _his_ hotel, everything could terribly wrong so easily.

She removed her coat, she was still wearing the same clothes of that morning, she didn't have time go home and change for the dinner: her silk beige blouse and high waisted black pants. Her first thought was that he couldn't sneak his hand anywhere, no skirt that time… she laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing"

"It's never 'nothing' with you"

He sipped his scotch studying her.

"Why are we here?"

"Because I invited you for a drink"

"You know what I mean"

"Because we're good together"

So many meanings in just one sentence.

"You don't want obligations or strings but last time you told me you want me, all of me. Don't you think it's a bit incoherent from you?"

He chuckled "So you listen to me, huh?"

"Apparently I do but you didn't answer"

"What's there to say? You're engaged, it's what you keep saying, you don't want me"

He seemed to challenge her with his gaze like asking her to prove he was wrong. He was jealous and hurt even if he had no right to be so he played the indifferent role, it was easier than admitting that all he said to her on that rooftop were just bullshits. He wasn't that man anymore. Catherine sighed and just sipped her wine, she had a very long day, she didn't want to play games.

"Now it's my turn to ask… why are _you_ here?"

"Because we're good together, aren't we?" she answered bitterly "But maybe I should go"

She stood up taking her coat.

"Black wait, sit down"

"Why? Give me a good reason to stay"

He swallowed forcing himself to say those words "I don't wanna be alone"

"I don't wanna play games Bick"

"I promise"

She seated again and awkward silence fell between them, completely different from the one on the rooftop, this was full of unspoken words and truths. Suddenly she felt so sad for the man in front of her, the situation, the dynamics between them, for the evening she spent at her in-laws' place, she'd have liked to be home alone and cry for all and nothing.

"I'm sorry, I've been an ass as usual"

"I haven't been a sweetheart either"

"And that's why I like you"

He smiled and then turned serious as if he had said something inappropriate.

"I never know what to say with you"

"You shouldn't have this problem, we're colleagues"

"Are we?"

"Bick…"

"You're right, sorry"

He drunk all his scotch in one gulp and ordered another.

"Maybe I should let you go, he must be waiting for you…"

"Don't go there"

"I am not, I'm just telling the truth"

She looked at him deeply and the memories of all their encounters and that morning in surgery came back to her mind, just like the black and white hallucination about how her life would be _if_… her eyes became watery but it was too late to hide it.

"Sorry, I've to go to the restroom"

"Black…"

She walked fast towards the ladies restroom hoping to have a moment to get a grip on herself. She was gripping tightly the washbowl, tears streaming down her face, when he broke into the bathroom.

"Leave me alone Bick!"

"Forget it!"

Ian hugged her tight and she started sobbing against his chest. He didn't know what he was doing, he wasn't good at that, at comforting people, especially her: it was the first time he was hugging a woman without actually having sex with her and it was weird and awkward.

He didn't need to ask why she was feeling that way, he knew it, she could be such an enigma sometimes but not that night, not after the _lovely_ dinner: who did go back to the office when just had a good evening with her fiancé and his parents? Workaholics like them but that was not the point.

The warm of her body was waking that insatiable desire up, he couldn't help himself when she was around. Catherine felt him growing hard against her and instead of being mad at him, she found herself aroused too. Her hand reached the bulge of his pants caressing it and he breathed hard, her gaze went looking at him at him while opening his pants and freeing his erection; he was so heavy and thick in her hand and she wanted to watch his expression change while she pleasured him. His usual cockiness or even the worry about her disappeared, his eyelids closed slightly enjoying the moment, her hand fisting him.

When he opened his eyes again they were black like petrol and he kissed her desperately thrusting his tongue in her mouth, mixing the flavor of scotch and wine. Catherine broke the kiss and fell on her knees wrapping her lips around him before he could even understand what was happening… she heard him muttering _Christ_ or some other curse while she sucked and licked him, he was so big and she was suffocating but she didn't care, because that was better than the way she felt in that living room in front of the tv. She needed to erase that memory so she sucked him hard and fast knowing he was already close, she could say it from his panting and the excruciating way he was trying not to thrust in her mouth.

For the first time she wasn't feeling guilty, she didn't want to think anymore. She pushed him deeper down her throat and he started coming moaning her name, his eyes closed, hands gripping the marble counter.

When he finished she stood up cleaning her mouth with the hand like a kid, her cheeks were still stained of tears and he felt a bastard to let her do what she did to him just a moment ago, he should have stopped her, he should have…

"I don't want to lose my colors" she whispered

"So don't marry him"

"I can't"

Her lip trembled, she bit it and run away from the bathroom. Bick throw a punch against the door cursing, every time they seemed to take a step forward, every time it seemed something could change, she fled from him and he couldn't bear it anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so so much for the reviews and for your appreciation! After last episode I'd say everybody is really happy about how things are going for our ship, I totally am! Some of you asked me to write about the night Catherine and Ian shared at the hotel but if you read my last chapter carefully you know I couldn't; after their "encounter" in the bathroom she run away so… but I promise this chapter won't disappoint you. Read and review, thanks! **

**PS: Guys, start writing about this couple! We need more fanfictions! :D**

Bickman was out of town for personal business and Catherine felt relieved. After the shooting something changed but she wasn't still ready to admit it with herself. She has been afraid to lose him and it wasn't some kind of joke, he could have died and… she couldn't let herself to think about it, thank goodness it didn't happen. Their hug in her office was still so vivid in her mind, she could still feel his strong arms holding her tightly, his head on her shoulder and so many unspoken words lingering between them.

She sighed, his departure was a good thing, they needed to put some distance between them and working together every day made it quite impossible.

That weekend she had to fly to the _city of angels_ to give a speech at the Los Angeles Neurological Institute, there would also have been a gala and two days of conference. It reminded her months before in San Francisco when she skipped the meds… she bit her lip, she couldn't do it again, absolutely not!

…

Los Angeles was exactly like she remembered: alive, noisy and beautiful in its own way. From the cab's window Catherine watched the sun shining upon the city, the buildings and the immense streets, they were stuck in the traffic but everybody seemed so calm, not like in New York where people yelled and honked: they were two amazing cities and yet so different. She was glad to be there, far from everything and everybody, doing her job and anything else, breathing a different air and enjoying the city.

She was staying at Beverly Wilshire hotel, a Four Season Hotel, courtesy of The Cube. As soon as she arrived the porter helped her with the luggage and the clothes hanger, inviting her to follow him inside.

The marbled lobby was in all shades of beige and brown, four columns dominated the space, there was a table with several vases of white roses in the middle of the room and above that a gorgeous chandelier.

Dr. Black passed the entrance heading to the reception where the concierge welcomed her to Beverly Wilshire hotel and sent someone to accompany her to her suite. The _Rodeo Studio_ had a spacious living room, a comfortable king bed and a fantastic view of Rodeo Drive, it was a cozy and elegant space, she was sure she'd have enjoyed her stay. After giving the tip to the guy, Catherine just laid down on bed stretching, she was tired but only had a couple of hours to get ready, to take a shower and wait for the make-up artist and hair stylist the hotel provided her.

She sighed and started stripping.

**Two hours later… **

Catherine Black loved fashion but she wasn't used to wear formal gowns at all.

She usually had on comfortable outfits at work, nothing too fancy and that was the reason why she was looking at herself in the mirror with an expression of genuine surprise. Her red locks were styled in a soft braided side bun, her impeccable smoky eye and nude lip make-up made her feel so sophisticated but the "wow" factor was represented by the dress: a dark blue cap sleeve velvet gown with a sexy deep V-neckline and thigh high slit featuring a beaded encrusted belt following an open back. She matched it with a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti crystal-embellished ankle cuff black sandals and a clutch… She was simply stunning. She put the key room and her phone in the clutch and headed downstairs.

As soon as Dr. Black stepped out the elevator, a hostess escorted her to the ballroom. She entered the room taking a glass of Champagne a waiter offered her and took a look around: beautiful centerpieces with white roses were placed on the tables, she eyed the white fine linen of tablecloths, crystals glasses and sterling silver flatware. Everything was lovely arranged by the hotel staff.

Lost in the train of her thoughts, she didn't even notice the glances every man in the room was casting her, everybody knew her – her fame and work preceded her – but they were certainly not used to see her _shine_ like that. Catherine smiled reaching her table – her flirty nature coming to surface – and sat down. She was prepared to another boring event: the usual dinner, speech and finally bed but she couldn't be more wrong.

During the evening Dr. Black enjoyed the seven course meal chatting politely with the other guests next to her and at last gave her brilliant speech, which was well-received by the audience. She watched the time, it was still early, she snorted ready to head to her room but apparently all the guests were being escorted to the next ballroom… such a weird and unexpected thing. An orchestra was playing smooth and relaxing songs and people started dancing in their beautiful and expensive gowns, Catherine looked around amused, it was quite interesting seeing all these well polished men and women, _scientists_, letting themselves go for a night. She had no interest in dancing, on the contrary she was thinking to go changing her clothes and go out to enjoy the city, she was about to turn around when a strong arm encircled her waist.

"What…"

"Shall we dance Dr. Black?"

Ian Bickman in his black tie tuxedo was there, just in front of her, keeping her in his arms.

"What are you doing here?"

"Glad to see you too" he answered ironically

Bickman started their dance and she simply followed his steps, she didn't imagine he was such a good dancer. Was there something he wasn't capable of doing?

"It's not funny Bick, you weren't supposed to be here"

"Is it bothering you? By the way you look gorgeous" he smiled

Catherine looked at him, he was really handsome in his tuxedo and the smell of his cologne and their closeness confused her a bit, like a shot of something too strong for her to handle.

"You want me"

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do" he whispered in her ear "And you want me to pleasure you all night"

She held her breath "Is this why you're here?"

His hand at her waist started wandering on her spine "Would you mind it?"

"Yes, because I came to Los Angeles for work"

"I did it too"

"Please don't insult my intelligence"

"I wouldn't dream of it" he mocked her

The song ended and she freed herself from his embrace leaving the room but he followed her. Catherine pushed repeatedly the elevator button hoping the car would have been there before him and she was about to jump in when he stopped the doors and stepped in. They were at the other opposite sides looking at each other and he had that sneer on his face, God he was so irritating! She wasn't ready to deal with him, not there and not after what happened in New York, she felt still 'fragile', the moments they shared were too emotional to her and she couldn't have him around, especially not the way he wanted to be.

"Interesting _location_, isn't it?"

"Stop it. What do you want, Bick?"

"I'm sure it's not _hard_ for you to imagine it…" He put the effort on _that_ word and she shivered

"I'm sorry for you, but whatever you had in mind coming here it's not gonna happen!"

The elevator reached the floor and she run away from him again looking for the key in her clutch

"Catherine wait!" He grabbed her arm "I traveled 2450 miles just to see you"

"No, you did it to fuck me!" she hissed

"It's not just that..."

"And what is it then?"

He exhaled.

"I'm sure you'll let me know once you clear your head. Goodnight Bick"

She tried to enter the suite but he stopped her.

"Don't go"

"Bick please"

"God this is difficult for me"

"Don't do it then"

"Please let me in, I need to talk to you"

"Talk?"

"Yes, just talk. I swear"

She did what he asked closing the door behind them. She took her heels off and put her clutch on bed before going to the bathroom, when she emerged from it she had changed her gown into a long silk purple nightie.

"Don't look at me like that, you're here to talk so talk"

Bickman loosened his bow tie and took his jacket off. As soon as he arrived to the hotel just showered and changed his clothes before going to the ballroom, he didn't have a minute to rest after the long flight but no matter the tireness he needed to see her. He heard her speech from a hidden corner, he didn't want her to notice his presence, not yet and she was so beautiful, so self-confident on that stage telling the world about her work, talking about how unique each _black box _wasand how it needed to be respected. He clapped his hands, that was the woman for him, they spoke the same language, how could she not understand it?

"I'm waiting"

"I…" he started pacing back and forth "I don't know how to say it, damn! You're the most maddening, challenging, frustrating woman I've ever met and I can't stop thinking about you! I crossed the country to be with you this weekend and this is not about sex, Catherine. You… you changed me, I had never believed in monogamy, I had never even wanted it but I want you"

"Bick…"

"No, let me finish" he got closer to her "I almost died and that put everything into the right perspective.

You and I… we've something special and we also have so much in common, how can't you see it?"

She saw it, she saw it very well, she just pretended the contrary because trusting a man like him was pure craziness, like believing in magic or destiny, she couldn't risk and then she was still engaged. Reading her thoughts he continued "Give me a chance Catherine, I know I don't seem trustworthy but I can prove you I've changed, I'm a different man now"

"'No obligations, no strings', it's your motto but you keep changing your mind and I..."

"I told you a lot of bullshits! It was easier telling you about the man I was before you than admitting how much... You gave a sense to everything"

She was about to crumple so decided to keep talking "The world doesn't spin around you, Ian. I've a relationship with another man, I love Will and…"

"And I love you!" he yelled at her

The bomb exploded and the truth was revealed and now was floating in the air between them. Catherine seemed to forget how to breathe, the connections between the 100 billion of neurons of her brain just went haywire. Did he really say the "L" word? Was he the same Ian Bickman, famous neurosurgeon, well-known latin lover and stubborn bastard? Maybe she became deaf, it must have been that way then why was her heart beating so fast? Why did every part of her want to believe him? She didn't even realize she was plunging the nails in her palms until he took her hands closed in fists and kissed them gently, every inch of them, every mark she caused herself with such a sweetness as if he kept telling her _those words_ over and over again with his gestures. She was stunned by him, by his confession, by everything that was happening in that suite so many miles away from home, it was like a dream, something surreal, people were already going to work in New York, they were still in "the past".

"Say it again" she whispered

"I love you…"

He didn't hesitate that time, he said those words looking her directly in the eyes knowing very well that was their turning point. Now or never again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, thanks again for the reviews! I'm seriously obsessed with writing this ff and you've to expect many incredible things… I've to say I've been a bit disappointed by last episode, I know Bickman couldn't change like he did in my story but sharing Catherine with Will? Absolutely not! **

**Enjoy the chapter & review! **

When rationality didn't work, instinct prevailed.

Catherine threw her arms around his neck and kissed him avidly, she didn't want to fight it anymore, he was right, what they had couldn't be stopped, couldn't be understood, it just needed to be lived. At least for that night. She simply decided to enjoy the journey with him because that was it, ups and downs on the roller coaster and at that point they were at loop the loop.

Ian's hands captured her waist pushing her against his solid body, there were no words to describe how much he needed her, body and soul, he'd have gone to the end of the world if that meant to be with her. How could he possibly fall in love with her so badly? He tried to avoid it for so long in his life as if it was a mortal disease and there he was now, in love with a woman who belonged to someone else, willing to take the crumbs she'd have thrown him. How could he reduce himself like that? He became the kind of man he had always despised and mocked. What did she do to him? And why didn't he stop her?

Catherine made him sit on the bed and detached a bit to let down her hair until they fell on her shoulders in soft waves. Their eyes were glued to each other while she let first a nightie strap then the other slip sensually… the silk slid on her body and down to the floor leaving her naked in front of him.

"You'll be death of me, you know that?"

"I think I do" she bit her lip and walked to him

Ian was looking at her in awe drinking her glorious body he had never seen completely naked in. Her creamy skin, so soft and those red locks caressing her breasts… she looked like the Botticelli's Venus, an illusion, _his_ illusion. He kissed her navel plunging his tongue in it nibbling the flesh of her belly but Catherine grabbed his hair and pushed him to lay down on bed straddling him. Her expert hands started unbuttoning his shirt showing his broad chest that her nails were scratching slowly down until the hem of his pants. Catherine played with that tuft of hair showing there and he flexed his abs, she kissed him there unbuttoning his pants, nibbling him through his boxer.

"Wait Catherine"

"What?"

"I don't want it to be rushed like the other times. I wanna make love to you, we've all night"

She was surprised, yes very surprised, first the _I love you_ and then this. What happened to the usual Bickman? Did he really change like he kept telling her? It was all so confusing and yet the way he looked at her left no doubt about his intentions, about his feelings. He stood up kissing her sweetly removing the rest of his clothes, they were both naked now.

"You're even more beautiful than what I've always imagined"

She blushed a bit, how could he say something like that all of a sudden?

"You're not so bad yourself"

He chuckled and took her hand leading her to the bathroom. He stepped in the huge bathtub and opened the water, she questioned him with her gaze: they finally had a bed at their disposal and he chose another uncomfortable place?

"Trust me, I just want to take care of you"

She paralyzed for a second and he noticed

"Breathe Catherine, I don't want you dead"

When the hot water hit her skin she realized how tired she was. The flight, the getting ready for the gala and the jolt of adrenaline when she met him: they still didn't have sex but she was relaxing under the soft touch of his hands washing her. He was caressing her body with such a gentleness, there was no hurry or mischievousness in his gestures as if he didn't want anything more from her.

"Ian..."

"Shh I'm here"

She looked at him and gently brushed his face, his jaw, his lips, his hard member resting between them.

"I want you"

"Mmm I think you're clean, let's get dirty again"

She laughed and he took her in his arms, he didn't even bother to take a towel, he just headed to the bed and made her lay down. Tiny drops of water were all over her body and he kissed them away tasting more skin he could reach going down between her legs, he started devouring her sex, eating her alive, giving her the pleasure she wanted so much. He confessed he loved her and he didn't regret it at all because she needed to know, to understand that was not a game, he was there to stay.

Catherine arched her back moaning, she was close but she wouldn't be coming without him, not that time. He pulled himself up aligning his body and penetrated her slowly making her feel every inch of his want of her, their eyes were glued to each other and she could read so much love in them to be terrified: if she ever had any doubt about his feelings – and she did – those doubts were gone. For the first time she gave in, she let herself go in his arms without any emotional wall, they were just them, bare souls that couldn't hide themselves anymore. And they made love in such a powerful and extraordinary way, worshipping each other's body, his hands were so delicate on her like feathers taking their time to discover places he had never the chance to before. Each whimper, each moan, each "please" or "oh Ian" were all he took to never stop, because in that moment they belonged each other and nothing else existed.

She was the one, the _right_ one, no woman has ever been like her and no one would have ever been, she was the most amazing creature he had ever met.

Their orgasm was just the beginning, not the end because he couldn't get enough of her, each part of his body screamed his need for more: more kisses, more touching, more time to be inside her.

He didn't even give her time to rest, he started again and he kept going on and on all night.

…

Ian Bickman was woken up by a warm body pressed against his front. He opened his eyes and smiled, he was spooning Catherine and apparently he fell asleep doing it. It was the first time he spent a night with a woman, the first time he slept with a woman and he didn't mean sex, no, he meant really sleeping, sharing a bed. Another first time and it was beyond beautiful.

He watched her sleeping so peacefully, her regular breath, her red locks on the pillow, she seemed content, there was a slight shadow of a smile on her face. That was the way he wanted to go to sleep every night and wake up every morning, with Catherine by his side, making love to her, cuddling her if it was what she wanted, he'd have given her the moon if she just asked him to.

He kissed her clavicle, her shoulder reaching her neck and she whimpered.

"Go away sex fiend" she mumbled

He laughed "Good morning sunshine"

"You wore me out last night, let me sleep"

He pressed her more against him whispering in her ear "Because you're a drug and I'm happy to be addicted"

She turned around facing him, her gaze was still blurred from sleeping but she smiled at him and a strong emotion swelled in her heart. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, because despite all she did but how could she? How could she do that and then go back to Will? What happened the previous night changed so much in her, they made love all night and slept in the same bed hugging each other: they crossed "the line".

"I'm glad you're here"

She said caressing his face and he closed his eyes for a moment enjoying that touch.

"I'm glad too, it was the best night of my life"

She lowered the gaze playing with his chest's hair "You know, I thought you'd have left after we…"

"After we finished? I told you that I love you Catherine and I didn't to impress you or to take you to bed. This," he gestured between them "is more beautiful than what I could ever dream. Waking up with you in my arms was amazing"

She snuggled against his chest listening to his steady heartbeat, she wanted that moment to last so badly, to have him with her without sex or fighting, just two people in love holding each other.

"What time is it?"

"Seven o' clock"

"We still have one hour before starting to get ready" she yawned

"What do you say if we skipped the conference and went out to enjoy the city?"

"We can't"

"There's nothing new to know, this conference is useless and you know that. We can do it"

"_You_ can, you weren't even supposed to be here, maybe people didn't see you last night but I gave a speech…"

"And a really good one" he interrupted her

"Did you hear it?"

"From a hidden corner, I didn't want you to see me" he put one rebel lock behind her ear

She shook her head smiling "By the way, I gave a speech and people expected me to be at the conference"

"Leave a message saying that you're not feeling well and we can sneak out of the hotel"

"You're terrible!"

"But you like it"

She straddled and kissed him firmly

"Yes, I do"

"You know Dr. Black, your position is quite compromising…"

Catherine felt him growing hard under herself

"Oh no, we can't make it again, I'm sore!"

"Poor baby"

He flipped her over pressing his naked and aroused body against hers, the cocky smile on his lips, he was so confident he'd have gotten what he wanted.

"I promise I'll be gentle" he whispered in her ear kissing his way down her body.

And for the following hour they would have been too busy to think of anything else.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, I'm so happy Catherine left Will the last episode, finally! We should see more Catherine/Ian in the next episodes… fingers crossed! About the chapter, it's very very hot and I'm warning you that there's a rating M here! I hope you'll like it… enjoy and review! Thanks**

Los Angeles was even more beautiful with the sun shining on her skin and the wind in her hair.

Bickman decided to rent a convertible car, to be more precise a black petrol Ford Mustang he was driving easily wearing his cool sunglasses and one of his white shirts with rolled sleeves: he seemed so casual, comfortable and happy. He refused to tell Catherine where they were heading, it was a surprise but she knew the city enough to get that was the way to the coast, she just didn't want to disappoint him.

Rows and rows of palms were speeding to their side while they were reaching Santa Monica, he took her hand in his and squeezed it slightly. Fragments of the previous night came back to her mind: their lovemaking, the sweet but strong way he was possessing her and that moment, when he came whispering "I love you" before collapsing on her. It was mind-blowing and intense, completely different from their other intercourses… only the memory was giving her chills. Ian kissed her palm breaking her daydreaming.

"What's passing through your beautiful mind?"

"Last night"

"Good memories I hope"

"Indeed, it was amazing… and tiring"

He laughed biting her fingernail

"You're getting old, Black"

"What?! I'll make you see how old I am tonight"

"Can't look forward to it!"

The stunning coast of Malibu stood out in front of their eyes. It was still early morning and not many people already hit the beach, to be more specific Zuma Beach. They removed their shoes enjoying the feeling of sand between the toes and walked to the shore hand in hand: the sound of the ocean and the water soaking their feet were a relaxing "therapy", New York, the work, their life seemed so far away, they were in their little bubble of happiness and carefreeness.

"You know, I've never been a hand in hand person"

"Me neither"

"I keep having 'first times' with you"

She smiled looking at the ocean "It's so beautiful here, Los Angeles people are lucky, they can run away from the city's chaos and come here"

"We don't need it, we're happy at the Cube, there's nowhere else in the world we'd rather be than there"

"Yeah you're right"

He drew her to him putting an arm around her shoulders and she leaned against him, he could make her feel safe and protected, appreciated for the way she was. They kept walking in silence while the beach was getting crowded, Bickman desperately wanted to enjoy those moments with her but couldn't stop thinking about the future, about once they'd have been back home. Would Catherine leave her fiancée? She had to. What happened in her hotel's room meant something, she decided to give him a chance so the only thing to do was breaking the engagement. He did need to talk to her but for the first time in his life he was afraid, he had so much to lose. _Her_.

They found a lovely restaurant to eat some fresh sea food. The interior was furnished based on the "sea theme": nets, shells and anchors decorated the place and the staff was dressed like sailors.

They took a seat at a table outside on the balcony, the sea smell hit their nostrils. Catherine seemed a bit off but he pretended not to notice, she seemed gloomy, as if she had something on her mind.

Enjoying the oysters and sipping their Chardonnay, they talked about work, their "comfort zone" and the lunch passed easily. After that, Catherine preferred going back to Los Angeles and staying at the hotel in case someone looked for her.

"A penny for your thought" he said driving slowly

She sighed "Everything is perfect and out of the world here but we'll have to come back home and face the reality"

"And what is the reality?"

"I'm still engaged Ian"

"But you're going to break up with him, aren't you?"

She stayed silent.

"So after our last night, our talk, our lovemaking and today you're telling me you're going back to him?" his voice raised like his anger

"I didn't say that. It's not so easy"

"And you think it is to me? I'm madly in love with you for God's sake and I don't want to share you anymore, I can't bear to imagine you in his arms!"

"We're not having sex lately, I'm always busy"  
"One time he touches you is always too much!"

"I'm not so special Bick, you don't know in what you're getting yourself into"

"You won't make me change my mind Black. Stop trying."

She lowered her head playing with her engagement ring and he noticed.

"It's not even a beautiful ring"

"It belonged to his grandmother"

"I don't care"

They stopped at the traffic light and he stared at her looking for answers.

"I don't know how to tell him"

"Just tell him you don't want to get married anymore, that you two want different things, it's the truth. You don't need to tell him about me"

"Will deserves all the truth. I never wanted to get married and in part he knew, then I met you…"

"And that's the best thing that happened in my life" He kissed her "Everything's gonna be fine"

"I hope so"

…

The blue sundress she was wearing slipped down slowly, her delicate skin took some color during their morning walk and he couldn't stop kissing each new freckle on her gorgeous body.

They made love all night and that morning but he still craved her. How was it possible? Before Catherine, women were just a way to satisfy a physical need but now it was more, he needed that kind of connection to be reassured that she belonged to him, that she was his. He made her lay down on her belly on bed completely naked and he stripped enjoying the view, his body immediately reacted. It was her turn to smile cockily…

"Looking at something interesting, dear?"

"Oh I totally am" she bit her lip "My mouth waters…"

"Stop or I'll take you right now and all my idea of a romantic massage will be gone"

"Since when do you do romantic stuff?" she mocked him

"You know the answer"

He took her body oil's bottle and put it on the bedside table.

"Now just be a good girl and lay down"

"If I remember well, you prefer me wild" she kissed him brushing his member

"Careful Black" he blocked her wrist and pushed her down

Catherine resumed the previous position after tying her hair up and he poured some oil on his hands. As soon as he touched her goosebumps appeared on her skin, she tensed for a second and then relaxed again.

Ian started massaging the back of her neck up and down with his thumbs kissing each new inch of her body before touching it. She felt so worshipped, so wanted… how could two opposite kind of man living inside him? He introduced himself as a God of neurosurgery, so self-confident and demanding with his students, even a cold-hearted ass and then he was so wonderful with her, a loving and attentive lover.

"I know I didn't let you sleep last night so this is my way to ask for forgiveness"

"Oh believe me, you're forgiven"

His hands moved to her shoulders trying to stretch her contracted muscles and she moaned. _He was definitely doing it right. _He continued massaging her clavicles, her arms and hands then licked her spine bone after bone from the neck to the curve of her bottom. She shivered sighing.

"Mmm you taste so good"

"Ian…"

She closed her eyes when he kept massaging her whole back. His hands slid easily on her smooth skin and it was worth doing it only for the sweet sounds of pleasure she was making until he massaged her buttocks caressing in the middle of them. She froze.

"Do you trust me?" he whispered in her ear

"I… I've never done that before"

"You don't have to if you don't want"

She turned her head to look at him "I trust you"

He kissed her neck guiding her on all fours position, his finger lubricating her anus, he was doing everything to make her relax until she felt ready to push out and let him in. As soon as he entered her a mixture of different sensations hit her: pain, pleasure, arousal.

"You okay?" he asked worried

"Yes" she hissed

"If you want me to stop just tell me okay?"

"Keep going"

He started moving the finger when other two entered her sex making her feel so full, so filled.

"God Catherine, you're dripping wet!"

She moaned in response. Seeing her like this, open in all possible way, at his disposal was driving him crazy, he could come only watching her. He removed his fingers and penetrated her slowly with his thick member.

"Christ!" he cursed

As soon he started thrusting inside her she started coming, it was unexpected and uncontrollable, she didn't know when an orgasm finished because she was having another and another. Ian gripped her thigh strong with his free hand restraining himself, she was squeezing him so hard he didn't know how long he could last. She was still running her high when he reached his own orgasm spurting his pleasure inside her. They collapsed on bed, their bodies were like jelly, Ian spooned her hugging her tightly. Catherine sniffled and he stood up to look at her: her eyes were watery.

"Hey, what happened? Did I hurt you?"

"God no! You didn't, it was just so overwhelming, you made me feel like when I…"

She was about to say when _I skip the meds_ but stopped, he still didn't know she was bipolar and she wasn't sure she wanted to tell him even if things were getting serious between them.

"When you…?"

"It doesn't matter, it was unbelievable"

He kissed her forehead "Thanks for trusting me and letting me be _your first time_"

"Men are always so attached to the idea of first times in bed… as if it was really important"

"It is to me because it's you"

"This wasn't your first time though"

"You wanna really know?"

"It wasn't a question but an affirmation"

"Okay"

She stood up from the bed suddenly needing to be alone, the idea of him with other women doing what he did to her, pleasuring them… she just couldn't bear it.

"I'll go taking a shower and I think it's better if you go back to room, we'll meet downstairs for dinner later"

He encircled her waist "Are we okay, aren't we?"

"We are"

She kissed him and waited for him to get dressed and leave before entering the shower, then she started crying.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys, last episode was really… wow! Like you've already noticed, my Bickman is a bit different from the real one and you'll see even more from the next chapters, maybe he won't be very IC but this is my story so I can create. :D I hope you'll enjoy the chapter and review it! Thanks**

Breaking up with Will was one of the hardest things Catherine had to do.

His words was still echoing in her ears, his rage, pain and disappointment, his insults. Yes, she was a fucking slut, no excuse. She cheated because she wanted to, because she couldn't restrain herself, because she was falling for Bickman. Even if she never really wanted to marry Will, she cared of him, he has been part of her for a long time and the idea of not seeing him ever again – especially after the way they fought – hurt. She was the one who had to take all the blame, she did something horribly to him, they both did to each other but she kept doing it. Catherine could have omitted part of the truth and simply broken the engagement but Will deserved better, they had a good time together until it lasted, they were just too different and wanted different things.

Seated on the windowsill of her office she was staring at her left hand, there was no ring anymore and she realized only now how much that little rock was weighing on her like a dead weight or a nest that made her feel trapped. It was a painful breaking-up but it was better that way.

Bickman had a late surgery scheduled which he just finished and his presence was requested at the reception through the speakers. She was so lost in her thoughts she almost didn't hear someone knocking and opening the door, the dark welcomed him. Bickman was there.

"Hey" he greeted her

"Hi"

"They told me you were still here, you should go home, it's late"

"I don't wanna go home"

Silence.

"I broke up with him. It was horrible and I deserve it, I'm a slut" she said without looking at him

"You are not! Don't say those things about yourself" he stepped closer

"Why? Is he wrong?"

"Damn Black, yes! Of course he's wrong!"

"I fucking cheated on him repeatedly when I was about to marry him!"

Her voice broke and he hugged her. He felt relieved that she broke up with the cook but sad for her, he could only image how awful his ex made their conversation, he'd have liked to punch him for what he said.

Catherine was starting to relax, the smell of his cologne and his steady arms comforting her: he was all she needed.

"So now that you're single again Dr. Black, can I ask you out?"

She chuckled "I think we already skipped that phase"

"We can start fresh, we can date above board now"

She gave him a peck on the lips, he was so cute.

"So this is serious now?"

"Totally"

"If you cheat on me Bick we're over, no going back"

"The same for you but I won't, you know that"

"Good"

"Can we go home now?"

"Yours or mine?"

"I don't have one"

"I meant your hotel"

"I'd like to spend the night at your place but it's too soon for you. Let's go to my hotel"

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"For understanding me"

"I try Catherine" he caressed her cheek "I really try"

"I know I'm not an easy person, I…"

"I'd never want you to be different"

Could an heart explode for joy? Because hers was risking to do it. Maybe it was the high of falling in love, she didn't know but he could make her feel so alive, so happy.

"I'm sure you didn't even eat, right?"

"I didn't"

"Chinese take-out?"

"Sure"

"Come on, let's go"

They ate their Chinese food in bed watching tv, Catherine was seated in the middle of his legs, her back leaned against his chest, they seemed so strangely domestic. She was wearing one of his t-shirt and he had never seen her sexier, she was effortless beautiful and she was his now, they were really together. He smiled biting her neck sweetly and she answered with a greasy kiss at vegetarian soy noodles' flavor.

"Are you okay?"

"I am now"

"Good"

"And I'm also very comfortable right here"

"Am I good pillow?"

"A perfect one" she snuggled against his chest

"It was a long and hard day for you. We should get some sleep"

She looked at him confused.

"What?"

"I thought… I thought you wanted to have sex"

"I want to be with you and you don't need that tonight. I can wait"

"You never stop surprising me"

"I do my best"

And again, that _I love you_ was on the tip of her tongue. Bickman has been amazing since when they were in Los Angeles, she didn't know if it was a dream, she just didn't want to wake up for sure. She moved to her side of the bed waiting for him to lay down before snuggling up to him, her head on his chest and his arms around her.

"You know, it seems yesterday when Owen introduced us"

"Yeah, I was already bewitched by you"

"A nice way to see you wanted to take me to bed"

"I didn't! You did, you assaulted me" he joked

"I didn't hear you complaining"

"Never and since that day you changed my life"

"With sex?"

He chuckled "No, you make me be a better man day by day"

"Who imagined Ian Bickman had a tender side"

"You can't tell anybody" he smiled

"Can't make promises" she yawned

"Come on, let's get some sleep. Goodnight beautiful" and she kissed her forehead

"Night Bick"


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys, what a season finale! I'm still holding my breath, Kelly was simply amazing and now we can only hope for a season 2! About the chapter… Problems are coming for Catherine and Ian, there will be some chapters of angst and hurt so be strong and stay with me during this journey! Enjoy it & review! **

The morning after Catherine was the first to wake up. She found herself wrapped in a spiral of limbs and sheets and her pillow was slowly raising: Bickman was still asleep. It was so weird waking up like that even after Los Angeles, she wasn't used to and it still felt so surreal.

They didn't have sex the night before and honestly she didn't think he'd have been able to keep his hands off her while sleeping in the same bed but he did. Their relationship was moving too quickly but he told her he wanted to start fresh, to date: she has been engaged to a chef but only Bickman could make Chinese food in bed look like something romantic and maybe a bit cheesy. This man had so much to offer but for all his life he gave only his body, was she really the lucky woman to get him all? Why her? Before she started having doubts, she decided to untangle herself and stand up but he sensed her leaving and tightened his grip on her.

"Where do you think you're going, Black?" he said in his raspy and sleepy voice

"Oh you remember it's me?" she joked

"How dare you!" he started tickling her

"Stop, stop!" she yelled smiling "I'm going back to my place, I need to take a shower and change, we've to be at the Cube in one hour and half"

"Mmm don't go" he nibbled her earlobe and started kissing her neck

"Come on Bick, we'll never get out of this bed if you keep going"

"Sounds like a plan"

"Since when you want to skip work?"

"I don't but I'm so good in here with you"

She claimed his mouth, her hands were in his hair "I've to go"

He drew her to him for another fast peck "See you later gorgeous"

"Thanks for the t-shirt"

She smirked and removed it showing her beautiful naked body, he sighed and laid down resigned.

…

Bickman was ready to start a new day of work with a hot coffee in his hand. He had a pleasant waking up that morning, he shook his head thinking of Catherine removing his t-shirt: that woman was the devil! He couldn't think of a better way to open his eyes every morning.

He was arriving at the Cube when he found someone waiting for him: Will. He didn't know what Catherine told him, if she just confessed she was seeing another man or really told him who the man was but finding him there he didn't need the answer. Honestly Bickman would have like to avoid a pathetic scene or fight in front of everybody, especially because Catherine wanted to keep their relationship a secret, so he just decided to play dumb pretending he didn't know who he was or why he was there.

"Ian Bickman?" Will stopped his walking

"Yes? Do we know each other?"

"We've a common _friend…_" he replied "Catherine Black. Can we go somewhere to talk?"

"I've a very busy morning"

"It won't take long"

"Fine"

They headed to the diner across the street, Will ordered a black coffee and Bickman just stared at him. A little part of him felt bad for the man, losing Catherine must have been awful especially because they were so close to the aisle. Will sipped his coffee studying him and Ian could imagine him looking for the reason why Catherine preferred a playboy instead of him.

"So she cheated on me with you…"

"Are you looking for a confirmation?"

"No, I just wanted to look in the eyes the man who screwed someone's else woman, an engaged woman"

"Catherine is perfectly capable to understand and act. No one forced her to do anything she didn't want to"

"Yeah, is this the reason you give yourself for ruining our relationship?"

"I didn't ruin anything, she chose between freedom and a forced marriage with someone who wanted to change her"

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Maybe I don't, but she's with me now" he smiled satisfied

"You don't know her at all"

"I know her enough to be aware of her needs, we'll have time to know each other"

"If you can live with secrets… I've been with her for a long time, I was about to marry her and I still didn't know who she _really_ was until short time ago"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Of course you don't, she didn't tell you"

"If you think you can find a way to split us, you're wrong"

"She's not the sun, the moon and the stars, she's not perfect like you think"

"What I think it's none of your business"

"You two are made for each other, both doctors, both unfaithful people. She'll cheat on you too, it's her nature"

Bickman looked at him "You know, I feel pity for you, I don't know what you expected to gain from this conversation but your try is pathetic"

"I just wanted to warn you, you don't know what you're getting yourself into"

"It's not the first time someone told me"

"And whoever that person was, she was right. You can wear your poker face and play cool but I've been doing some research and you've quite a reputation doctor Bickman, you're a playboy and playboys don't do relationships. If you're with her now is because you love her"

Weak spot hit in the centre. 100 points. Bickman just kept studying him without saying a word.

Will continued to talk "I understand you, Catherine is so easy to love. She's gorgeous, smart and funny, she's very good at her job and takes her patients to the heart, all qualities I'm sure you appreciate"

"You forgot she's very good in bed too" he grinned

Will shook his head gripping the mug tightly to contain his anger "I should have expected that, you boasting of your exploits between the sheets… such a gentleman"

"And you think a gentleman would do what you're doing? I beg to differ"

"Honestly I don't understand what she sees in you"

"Everything she'd have never seen in you. Are we finished?"

"Yes but remember my words Bickman, you could find out something you won't like behind that perfect façade she shows"

Bickman stood up and left the place. His cool mask was beginning to crumble and even if he forced himself not to give any credit to her ex's words he couldn't simply ignore them. What was she hiding he insisted so much on? What was her big secret? Suddenly the fact that the cook knew something about her he didn't made him furious, it was insane, they had a long relationship and he shouldn't have been jealous of her past. He was her present and future, she chose him, not Will.

Bickman walked inside the Cube hoping not to bump into her, he needed to cool down and working had always been the best medicine. Maybe he didn't handle the conversation well, not like he'd have liked but it was done, the guy succeeded after all: instilling the doubt that Catherine might cheat on him too was all it took to make him freak out. From the outside no one could notice any change in him but there was a storm inside that prevented him from thinking straight.

He had never been jealous before: moreover if he didn't care he couldn't feel any kind of possession. If only the possibility of her cheating made him feel like that what would have happened if she did for real? Pacing back and forth in his office he kept pondering on what to do.

They had a beautiful night, he was learning that sex was important but he could also stay without for a night if he could watch her sleeping in his t-shirt on his chest. So that was _Love_? The thing everybody talked about and suffer for? It had to be. Still the old Bickman, who used sex as a weapon, wanted to grab and fuck her roughly right now to get rid of that unconscious fear, he changed but not completely.

He stormed out of his office sifting the corridors and when he found her he dragged her with him.

"Bick, what are you doing?"

"Shut up" he closed the door with a kick "I need you"

He started kissing and touching her.

"Not now, I've an appointment in ten minutes"

"So we should hurry"

He swept everything on his desk away and put her on it. His rough hands opening her legs, touching her breasts while he kissed her neck but she stopped his movements.

"What's going on?"

"I can't feel like screwing you?" he retorted angry

"Oh so now it's screwing?" she came down from the desk fixing her clothes

"I didn't mean that" he passed a hand on his face

"You did. What's wrong with you? You were okay two hours ago"

"Well I still haven't met your former fiancée"

"What? Will was at the Cube?"

"He was waiting for me outside, he wanted to talk"

"Oh God I'm sorry, it mustn't have been pleasant"

"No it wasn't and he said things I wouldn't have wanted to hear. What's your big secret, Catherine?"

She turned white but tried to hide it "I don't know what you mean"

He looked at her hurt by her lie "I think you do. Maybe I don't know you how much he does but I see when you're lying"

"Bick…"

"What are you hiding me?" he stepped closer but she moved back

"I'm sorry I've to go"

"We haven't finished yet" he gripped her arm

"We have now"

She freed from his grip and run away, Bickman kicked one of the frames on the floor breaking the glass… fuck everything! She couldn't keep fleeing every time something happened, it was an immature and damaging behavior to their relationship: one step forward and two back. She also confirmed his suspects, if a small part of him thought the cook was lying just to make them fight now it was clear he was right.

He poured a glass of scotch swallowing in one gulp and went for another. That would have been long and painful day.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello guys, from today I'll start posting two chapters a week, on Thursday and Sunday. I'm currently writing the 17th so if I keep posting one a week I'll never finish! This is a very emotional chapter and we'll finally read about Catherine's sessions with Dr. Hartramph. Stay tuned! Enjoy and review! **

At the end of the day Dr. Black left the Cube heading to her apartment. Bickman was still in surgery, she avoided him all day unable to deal with him, what could she say to him? He caught her lying. Damn Will! He had his revenge but that was hitting below the belt, using her disorder against her and forcing her to tell that to Bickman was unfair, too much unfair even for cheating. What was she supposed to do? Confessing? They worked together and if he found out he probably wouldn't cover for her, she could lose her job, she exposed herself even too much the first time they had sex. Her job was everything, it was her happy place because what else did she have? She had a daughter who didn't know she was her mother and she broke up with the man she was supposed to marry, the only one who knew she was bipolar and didn't abandon her: her life was a mess and it was her fault.

Bickman was not only a doctor but a neurosurgeon, he knew very well what having her disorder meant, he knew the causes, the symptoms and the effects, she didn't need to explain like she did with Will.

She opened a bottle of wine and drank from it, she felt a shit. She kept lying to people she loved, to everybody expect for Dr. Hartramph, her psychiatrist, but could she really keep going on like that? She loved Ian so much and after Johnny, Esme's father, she didn't think she could have loved another man that way but she was risking of losing everything because of him: she had to choose if she wanted to lose her job because of him or him because of her lies or her disorder. Another gulp of wine, tears were streaming down on her face and she knew the answer. She took her phone and dialed a number.

"Dr. Hartramph?"

"It's Catherine Black" her voice was broken

"Catherine, are you okay?"

"No, I am not. I know it's late and you finished working for today but I do need to meet you, it's an emergency"

"Of course. We can meet at the office in an hour, okay?"

"Thank you. I'll see you there"

…

Seated on the grey couch of Dr. Hartramph's office Catherine wrapped herself up tightly in her long wool cardigan, the cold was inside and no matter how much she covered herself it didn't pass. She dried her tears with a tissue not caring of her ruined make-up, she couldn't stop crying and that had never happened during one of their sessions before.

Helen Hartramph has been her psychiatrist for years, she was the only one who knew everything about her, the only one she never lied to. She was looking at her patient with warm and worried eyes waiting for her to talk, because it was clear that something was eating her alive, Catherine rarely called her on the emergency line and if she did, it had to be important.

"I broke up with Will because I'm in love with another man" she said breaking the silence

"When did it happen?"

"Yesterday and it was awful. He said horrible things to me and he's right, I kept cheating on him since I came back from San Francisco"

"Why did you do that?"

"Because I couldn't stop, I love this man. The passion, the chemistry we share is uncontrollable, I couldn't help myself and I tried"

"Who is he?"

"Remember Dr. Ian Bickman? Chief of neurosurgery at the Cube? It's him"

"Yes, I remember him. Last time we met you didn't say anything, you seemed happy with Will, you even met his parents"

"I realized I wasn't. You know I never wanted to get married, I care of Will but I couldn't marry him, he expected me to turn into something I don't wanna be and Ian… he understands me and my need of freedom, the love for my job, we've so much in common"

"But…?"

"Will talked to Ian this morning instilling in him the doubt I was hiding something, that I had a secret" she gulped down playing with the hem of her cardigan "He confronted me and I denied, I lied again"

"You couldn't tell him about your disorder"

"Exactly. We work together, this is not just about how he could react to the news as a boyfriend, it's so much more. If someone at Cube finds out, if Owen does, I…'"

A tear slipped down and she dried it with the palm of her hand.

"I'm worried Catherine, you're cycling into depression again. You broke the engagement with a man who loves and accepts you for who you are and started a relationship with a man you can't show a side of yourself, an important part of yourself. This is not healthy, it's self-destructive"

"It's who I am, an emotional, impulsive, self-destructive lunatic." She lowered her gaze "Maybe I'm not made for happiness"

"What makes you say that?"

"Look at my life"

"You've your job, it makes you happy and satisfied"

"Yes but I don't know if it's enough this time"

"You put everything you cared the most on the line Catherine, don't think you're sabotaging your own happiness?"

"My feelings for Bickman are real, this is not sabotaging. I couldn't marry a man I wasn't really happy with anymore just because of what? Because he was good for me? Because he'd have taken care of me or loved me for the bipolar person I am? Is this love? Making do with what you have?"

"I didn't say that, I'm saying you didn't think about the consequences. Did you want to keep Bickman in the dark forever?"

"I don't know, honestly I don't know. I had never thought I'd have had to choose between love and my job, not with Bickman, life has a strange sense of humor"

"Do you think there might be another way to get out of this situation?"

"Yes, I could keep lying but it wouldn't work, he knows me and even if it did, sooner or later he'd find out"  
"So what do you want to do?"

"Do I have any other option?"

"You tell me"

"I love him so much it hurts but I can't risk everything for him."

More tears streamed down her face and she snuffled.

"I'll see that he breaks up with me" she continued

"Why?"

"Because if I do it, he won't leave me alone, he'll never give up but if he thinks it's his decision…"

"Very smart of you but I think you're testing him, you want to see if he leaves you like the others did, like your father, like Esme's father"

"Yeah maybe. You know, he told me he loved me in Los Angeles and…" she exhaled trying to contain the tears "He had never been in love before…"

She started sobbing, a hand covering her mouth while her body was shaking. She hasn't thought about the consequences of their relationship, it happened all so fast, the passion, the mind-blowing sex, Los Angeles and his declaration of love. She didn't want him to know about her disorder, she just wanted to be with him, to love and being loved in return, to enjoy a relationship with someone who challenged her inside and outside of bed, they were the perfect match and they both knew it. The moment she thought she could have it all, well _almost_ all, everything started falling apart, one push and all the domino's tiles fell, one after the other.

"I've to go"

"Catherine wait, I can't let you go away feeling that way"

"I'll be fine"

"I'm not sure of it"

"I'll drown my pain in the alcohol"

"That's exactly what I mean"

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to eat something and sleep on it. The situation will be clearer tomorrow"

"There's nothing to clear, my relationship with Bickman is over"

Catherine left Dr. Hartramph's office, tears were blurring her sight but she didn't care, she walked and walked without any destination. New York wasn't the beautiful city she loved staring at night anymore, it was a noisy background she didn't even notice, everything seemed tasteless, without smell, without color.

She left hopeless, drained, tired but she kept walking and more tears were falling down, each memory of him caused a sob, each word of his in ears caused a whimper, each kiss took her breath away. She was a doctor, she knew that "breaking a heart" was just a metaphor so why did she feel pain at her chest? Why did the emotional pain become physical?

She found herself at her apartment without even knowing how she arrived there, she stripped of her clothes leaving them on the floor and went to the kitchen to take the bottle of wine she left unfinished.

After all the crying, the wandering, she felt exhausted and numb, she crawled under the sheets and drank until the last drop of wine. She didn't do anything more, she didn't sleep, didn't move, she just stared into the space hour after hour until the moment the alarm rang. She didn't have the strength to face another day of work and especially Ian, so she just called Owen saying she was sick and wouldn't have been there.

She had never done that before, _another first time_, for her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Here am I with another heartbreaking chapter! Thanks for the reviews and please keep leaving me your comments, I need to know what you think especially about these chapters where Dr. Hartramph's present: it was very challenging writing her lines, I had to imagine what a psychiatrist would say in that contest, not easy at all! Enjoy & review!**

Her phone didn't stop ringing but she never picked up, maybe it was him or Owen, or an emergency somewhere but she didn't care, she was staying in bed watching the snow falling.

She should have been mad at Will but she wasn't, she felt nothing, her pain turned in a stupor like rain became snow. When was the last time she made love to Ian? She felt confused, it was as if an eternity passed in just one day. Los Angeles… yeah, their last time must have happened there. Each moment with him was painful like a thorn in the heart, she missed him, she missed everything, their pushing each other's buttons, his sharp irony, even that satisfied sneer he had on his face when he was right.

_Bickman is truly amazing, isn't he? - Yes, he is. _He had just finished Leo's surgery, she remembered him looking up and met her gaze, yes he was amazing in every way. He was a gifted surgeon who lived for his job but made so many adjustments to be with her, to be the man she needed by her side and what did she do for him? She lied, she kept running away but sooner or later she'd have had to face him, she couldn't hide forever. Would she have ever been ready for that? To look the man she loved in his eyes and break both their hearts?

Someone was knocking hard at the door but she didn't have any intention to go seeing who was until she heard the shouts.

"I know you're in there Black, open up!"

It was him, Bickman.

"Catherine I swear to God I'll knock this door down!"

He was making a scene she didn't want her neighbors to hear, so she put on a robe and went opening.

The man she found in front of her wasn't the one she expected: Ian Bickman was drunk, he hasn't shaved and had on the shirt he was wearing the day before, his hair was messy and disheveled, his eyes were red and tired, he didn't sleep last night either. He broke into the apartment without her permission and turned to look at her.

"Bickman"

"You didn't come to work today"

"I'm surprised you did drunk as you are"

"I went to the Cube just to talk to you but they told me you called in sick"

"I don't even ask how you found out my address" she crossed the arms against her chest "But you're here now so what do you want?"

"I want the truth! What the hell is your secret?"

"I don't have any secret"

"Stop lying, Catherine! It drives me nuts"

She stared at him blank

"What's happening to us? We were okay" he continued

"You let _him_ split us"

"You did! Because he's right but you're not trusting me enough to share this fucking thing with me! Why?"

"There's nothing to say Bickman"

"So now I'm Bickman?"

"It's your surname"

"Don't play this game with me Catherine, I recognize the coldness in your voice"

"I'm not playing any game. You came here pretending with your usual arrogance, you don't have any right on me!"

"I'm not an expert of relationships but part of deal should be _no secrets_"

"And you think you don't have any? How many women did you screw? Did you lose the count?"

"Does it matter? I want you! Everything else it's part of the past, everybody has one included you"

"It can't work"

"Why?"

"Because we're not a good match as you think" she lied

"You don't think that for real"

"I do. It's complicated, we both are complicated"

"No, it's not, I am not! You're making this complicated because you don't want to trust me"

"We work together and mixing job and pleasure is a mistake"

"Since when working together has been a problem?"

"It is now. We lived in a fantasy world but this is the reality"

"I'm sure Owen wouldn't have any objection"

"It's not the point"

"Yeah the point is you chose not trust me and we won't build anything if you hide things from me, we'll just end up hurting each other and I… I can't do it, not with you"

She remembered Dr. Hartramph's words: _Relationships are built on trust. Without truth there's no trust. Without trust there's no love. _

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth"

She shook her head

"If you can't be honest with me it's over"

She gulped down trying to keep her mask in place "It's better this way"

"No it's not. You… you'll always be the one"

She gripped her elbow tight holding herself, trying not to fall apart in front of him. He stepped closer but she moved back.

"You should go now"

He watched her for another second, his eyes were watery… There were two broken hearts in that room. He wanted to touch her, to give her a goodbye kiss but if she let him do it she knew they'd have ended up making love again and that would have been beyond painful, unbearable, so he just headed to the door but stopped before opening it.

"Give me a reason to stay. Please…"

She said nothing. It wasn't true that "The Marco Polo" of the brain didn't know her own mind, she did and that was the reason why she was in that situation. He left and she didn't cry, she had no tears left.

…

Same office, same couch and another emergency session with Dr. Hartramph. The doctor has wanted to see her again worried that she might have done something irreparable. Catherine was hiding herself behind a pair of dark sunglasses, she cried again and the psychiatrist knew, she knew her well by now: she seemed exhausted, probably she didn't even sleep and her silence spoke volumes.

"Catherine, how are you today?" the doctor's words were full of concern

She stayed silent looking into the empty space.

"Talk to me, please"

"He broke up with me this morning"

"Tell me what happened"

"He came to my place drunk and out of his mind, he insisted on asking what my secret was"

"What did you tell him?"

"The same I did yesterday morning, there is no secret. He said if I couldn't be honest we wouldn't have built anything and we'd have just ended up hurting each other"

"You already did. You are two gifted doctors who reduced themselves to miserable wretches"

"He won't be soon anymore"

"He's in love with you and it's the first time for him. He won't be over you very soon as you think"

"He'll go screwing around and the life will go on. It's what he does, who he is"

"You told me once he was a sexual predator"

"Yes, he is with more than willing partners"

"Does it bother you?"

"If it does? Yes, of course! I'm freaking jealous and possessive and he is too, he couldn't bear to share me with Will when I was still engaged."

She exhaled.

"Honestly I thought he would have never been able to be faithful but it's not a problem anymore"

"So you never trusted him"

"No, not completely. Who would? He's a playboy, why should I have been enough for him?"

"These are your self-esteem issues talking"

"It's not that, I mean… he never had a real relationship before, he never wanted one, he had always looked for the thrills in his job and outside"

"And you don't think you could give him that thrill?"

"I did. At the beginning our relationship was purely physical, the sex was amazing and I've never thought he wanted more than that but he did"

"You underestimated him"

"Totally"

"And you don't think you're doing it again thinking he'll forget you easily?"

"I'm just trying to convince myself that it's better that way. Before leaving he begged me to give him a reason to stay and I didn't say anything"

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't. I'm bipolar and I can't tell him, that's the problem!"

"You can't blame your disorder Catherine, it has anything to do with your relationship with Bickman"

"Doesn't it? How can you say that? We'd be together now if I was normal"

"Once you told me you don't know what normal means. And by the way you are normal – that doesn't mean mediocre – the woman he fell in love with is normal, she just has a medical condition who is treatable with medicines"

She shook her head angry

"It's about trust, you don't trust him, this is the problem not your disorder"

"If he knew why should he cover for me at work?"

"You know the answer"

"Because he loves me and I let him go because I didn't wanna lose him"

"You didn't want to tell him about your condition not only because of your job but because you were afraid he'd have left you like the others so you pushed him to end your relationship lying"

"Twisted, isn't it?"

"It seems pretty clear to me"

"You're a psychiatrist, you're used to see crazy people doing crazy things"

"You're not crazy Catherine, you're scared. You turned your world upside down for this man"

"I did because I'm an impulsive idiot who followed her heart"

"It's not a blame"

"The worst thing is that I'll meet him every single day at work"

"I'm sure you'll handle it"

"Will I?"

"You're a strong person, you handled worse things"

"I can't rely on my job because he's in the picture now, I can't rely on Esme, on anybody. I'm alone"

"You're not alone and you'll do fine, have faith on yourself. You didn't want to give him a chance but give it to yourself"

She didn't say anything.

"Are you eating and sleeping?"

"No. I didn't sleep at all last night and I barely ate something this morning"

"Catherine… you're not a child, you know the consequences"

"Yeah" she bit her lip "Tomorrow I'll go back to work and it'll be as if none of this ever happened"

"Burying your feelings won't help you, you've to deal with them"

"I can't do otherwise at the moment"

Leaving the psychiatrist's office she switched on the auto-pilot mode, she didn't want to think or feel anymore, she felt sorry for herself enough and now she just needed to protect her little heart if she wanted to survive.

She came back home and tidied up all the apartment cleaning every single surface: neatening outside gave her the illusion she could have done the same with her life. Yes, just another illusion.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello guys, Black Box was canceled by ABC two days ago and I'd say it was pretty predictable. I'm going to miss the serie – Black and Bickman especially – so much **

**Before everybody asks, yes there's a reference to Scandal. I like adding the most beautiful and excruciating sentences from tv series I watch and they suit the situation perfectly, you'll see.**

Catherine was sitting at the cafeteria's table, she could see the Cube from the window. Snow kept falling down and New York looked like a giant snow globe, she was grateful for the weather, it tricked her into thinking the storm was just outside and she could protect herself.

The radio was playing "After you've gone" and if she wasn't waiting for Esme, she'd have left, she didn't need that, the memory of her father, she was already dealing with a painful reality, she couldn't think about him. Esme arrived and they hugged each other tight, she knew it was her way to console her. Catherine kept her in her arms smelling her perfume: she needed her daughter during that awful moment so much. They sat down and ordered two hot chocolates, Esme was wearing the Helmut Lang jacket she gave her, she was probably freezing but it looked so good on her she couldn't scold her.

"Hey auntie, how are you?"

"I'm fine" she forced herself to smile

"Are you? What happened with Will?"

"It's just… it couldn't work, I didn't want to get married, I didn't want to turn into your grandmother"

"But you wouldn't have been! And Will, he loves you so much"

"Sometimes it's not enough honey"

Esme extended her hands on the table reaching for Catherine's and squeezed them.

"So it's really over?"

"Yes, it is. I know you liked him very much…"

"I just want you to be okay. Will you?"

"I already am"

"It doesn't seem so"

"Many things changed in just few days, I've to get used to it, just that"

"You know I'm here for you, right?"

"I know, thank you but tell me about you. How's the school doing?

"It's doing great, I love it but it's not always easy"

"I'm sure you're the most talented girl there" she smiled proud

"Everybody is talented there, I'm not special"

"You are to me"

"Because you're my aunt, you're not objective" she chuckled

"Maybe you're right. What about that guy? Did you see him again?"

"Miles? Yes but dad doesn't want me to. Promise me you won't tell him"

"I promise, I just want you to be careful and no weed anymore"

"Okay okay I promise"

The waitress brought them their chocolates.

"Mmm it's delicious!"

"I love this place" Catherine said playing with the spoon "And it's near the Cube"

"Yeah my workaholic aunt"

"I'm glad you're here, I really needed to see you"

The bell at the door rang and Ian Bickman entered the place. Catherine hold her breath as if doing that prevented him from seeing her, he turned to his right and their eyes met for a second before he headed to the counter and ordered a coffee to go. She was relieved that Esme was turned and didn't see him, it'd have been too hard being forced to talk to him in front her.

"Auntie Kate, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah of course"

"It seems like you've seen a ghost"

_Yeah I did_ she thought

"Don't worry I'm okay, I'm just a bit tired"

Bickman casted her another cold glance and left. He looked angry and sad, he must have heard the last few words she and Esme said. Maybe she should talk to him but to tell him what? They already said all. She let him go and ruined everything because she couldn't think he'd have been by her side, that he'd have protected her and covered for her. She watched him walking to the Cube from the window, she felt a knot in her stomach… she didn't want the chocolate anymore, she wouldn't have been able to swallow water even if she tried. She turned to Esme listening to her talk about music, homework and boys hoping to drift herself from the constant thought of Bickman.

…

Everybody noticed the change at the Cube, it was like breathing a different air. Dr. Black and Dr. Bickman talked when it was strictly necessary and barely looked in each other's eyes, working with them was quite a challenge for the rest of the staff, especially when they found themselves used like postmen to deliver information about cases between the two doctors. There was tension and what was a good work environment suddenly changed into the worst nightmare.

"Owen, did you need me?"

Catherine entered her boss' office and found Bickman on the couch.

"Yeah I made you two call, I need to talk to you. Please sit"

Catherine did like she was told and seated as far as possible from Bickman.

"I'll go straight to the point: what's going on between you two?"

"I don't know what you mean" she pretended to be surprised

"It's a week you two barely talked to each other and the rest of staff is going crazy because of you"

"We just have been very busy," Bickman stepped in "There's nothing wrong here, no problem"

"Yeah, he's right" she barely whispered touching her neck embarrassed

She didn't know if he was faking like she was or he really didn't think anything was wrong. She watched him with the corner of her eye, his white shirt was slight open at the collar, he didn't wear the jacket as usual, everything seemed so normal but he was tense, she noticed from his posture. That was the closest they've been in the last week and she felt that familiar pull towards him, they could have broken up but the chemistry was always there. Owen kept babbling about the importance of being a team, of working together without distraction and problems, that the Cube was a respected and famous centre and their doctors needed to keep up with the situation. Catherine wasn't listening, she was just focused on her speed heartbeat and the heat forming in her belly: God, she wanted him so badly. He moved uncomfortable on the couch, he must have felt it too.

"We got it Owen, it's all under control" Bickman stood up heading to the door

"Well I hope there won't be any other issue and we can all go back to work"

"Yeah you can count on us" Catherine added

They left Owen's office and Catherine had chase to stop him. The moment she touched his arm a chill run along her back…

"We need to talk"

"I don't like when women said that to me" he joked

"I'm serious"

"I thought you already told me everything"  
"Let's go to my office please"

She closed the door and the curtains to have some privacy. He watched every move she made trying to fake indifference but he wasn't such a good actor, she loved that gorgeous woman who found the cure for rabies just few days before. How could he stop? He almost drunk himself to the death not capable of stopping to think about her, not capable of sleeping because every time he closed his eyes he saw her: her eyes, her nose, her smile. She was in everything.

"What do you want, Black? I've to go back to work"

"Can we talk please?"

"Talk about what?"

"We need to fix this situation, it's affecting our job and people around us and I didn't realize how much until Owen called us in his office"

Silence.

"Say something"

"What do you want me to say? Yes Catherine, we'll become great colleagues and friends? Because that's not gonna happen!"

"I'm asking you, _us_, to be professional. To put aside what happened between us when we're here and just do our job. It's what Owen wants"

"And do you succeed in? Tell me, do you?"

He came so close to her and she could feel the heat of his body, concentrating was really hard.

"I…" she breathed "I'm trying"

He walked to the window clenching his fists then turned around and she saw the most defeated and suffering expression on his face, it broke her heart.

"You ruined me you know, I'm ruined"

"I'm ruined!"

"I don't care"

"Ian…"

"Don't you dare to pity me!" he yelled "I let myself love you, I understood and waited for you until you were ready, until you broke up with your fiancée, I broke all my rules because of you! I even discovered I had a heart and I was capable of loving because of you! And what you did?"

"I'm sorry"

"Shut up! Your ex was right, you're not the sun, the moon and the stars like I thought"

He hit hard stabbing her in the chest and she was bleeding to the death in front of him. His words were worse than blades and it was not just the reference of Will's mother words, it was hearing them in his mouth. Bickman was there to fight not to fix, he needed to vent, to tell her everything he kept inside and passed through his mind all those nights he didn't stop drinking and breaking things, because yes, he was furious, he changed for her, he tried to be a better man for her and what happened? She lied, she never really gave him a chance.

"Ian listen…"

"I don't want to listen to you anymore, you're not worthy"

How many times did he have to keep stabbing her before she was officially dead? How much could he keep hurting her without even touching her? How much could she still bear? They were so in love with each other but only kept hurting each other.

"If you're finished I'd like to go back to work"

"I love you…"

It slipped out of her mouth, she couldn't control it.

"What?"

"You can go now"

He pushed against her desk and took her face in his hands drinking the truth from her eyes, she was so beautiful and so confounding and he wanted her, he needed to have her right now. He turned around heading to the door and she sighed thinking it was really over between them but he simply locked the door. Two steps and he was kissing her shifting her body on the desk, his hands gripping her waist while he tasted her. If that was all he could get from her, he was okay with it.


End file.
